There is no foot too small that it cannot leave an imprint on this world.

Over the course of the last seven months, my husband and I have lost two pregnancies.

I have wanted to write those words for ages now, but I have struggled to find the courage- and the medium- to do so. What finally turned the tide for me? Per usual, anger. And a staunch refusal to be anything but completely open and honest with my friends. Ever the Moulin Rouge fan, I cannot exist if I do not adhere to my belief in, above all else, truth and beauty. With that said, I have been living a lie, forced to do so by a society at large made uncomfortable with mine and my husband's personal tragedies. You see, it has recently come to my attention that polite society cannot handle perinatal loss. When grandparents, parents, cousins and other "terrestrial" beings die, it is considered right and proper for those left behind to grieve. Cultures establish elaborate rituals to honor the dead; bodies are anointed and ceremonies held. But when an unborn baby dies, there are no time-honored rituals, no societally acceptable ways for the bereaved to mourn their loss. There is merely the fathomless aching that comes with the knowledge that those lives will never be; the deeply held sense of being somehow broken or incomplete; and the cold comfort of the clinician, who at best tries to offer encouragement: "You're young! And healthy! You can try again." What they and countless others fail to realize (and what all perinatal loss survivors keenly understand) is that you don't just want "a" baby- you wanted THAT baby. THOSE babies. You grieve not for a life well lived, but for the life that never was. You mourn for the birth not to be, for the negation of all the promise and excitement that comes with bringing new life into the world.

I can no longer force my grief into silence and darkness and pretend my life is all rainbows, kittens and smiles, especially not for the so-called comfort of those ill-equipped to handle such tragedy, or those rendered squirming and speechless by my insistence to talk about my very real pain. This is our life. Those were our babies. They were real to us, if only for such a short time; I will not keep silent just to politely accommodate for others. Many of my closest friends on here were already aware of our reality, and I truly can never express in words my thanks for your kindness and support. I honestly believe that if I lose friends for what some small-minded people believe to be "over-sharing," then they were never my true friends to begin with, and I am happy to cut free the dead weight. In addition, I pray they never have to experience the pain so unique to this type of loss.

One of the biggest reasons for writing this is because, when I lost my first pregnancy, I had never felt so alone in all my life. Until I started to talk about it. And soon I realized how tragically common this type of loss is, and just how many women have suffered through the death of their unborn children. A very dear friend described it as a type of sorority, a sisterhood (and brotherhood) of parents who have been dealt some of the worst that life has to offer. Not a club you would choose to be a member of, but a pretty special group of people nonetheless. And ever since, there is comfort for me in knowing I have others to whom I can turn in times of suffering, grief and remembrance. Others who can truly relate, because regardless of how supportive or sympathetic they are trying to be, I have had so many well-intentioned friends over the course of the last few months say such spectacularly stupid and unintentionally hurtful things, all for a lack of understanding.

About that anger I mentioned earlier. What really hurts those of us who have experienced perinatal loss is having to read articles (and especially comments) from those who have clearly not experienced loss and yet feel the need to judge us for how we choose to mourn. Case in point: Rick Santorum and his wife, who were recently pilloried for their decision to bring home the body of their stillborn child. Not that I remotely agree with his politics, but my blood absolutely boiled when the media attempted to question the sanity of a couple who had LOST. THEIR. CHILD., and needed a chance to bond with the baby they would never again have a chance to hold. I seethed when I read comments from so many heartless parents who can go home to hug their selfsame tactless spawn, and yet coldly pass judgement for what they believe to be "weird" and "twisted."

Likewise, I could only cry when I recently encountered an article on Gawker discussing the Duggars and how they chose to honor the loss of Jubilee Shalom, their second miscarried child. Regardless of how you feel about the Duggars and their "quiverfull" mentality, they lost a CHILD. Ignoring this completely, the monstrous author chose to cruelly mock the couple for handing out memorial cards with tender post-mortem photographs (please Google "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" if you are not already familiar) of Jubilee's tiny hands and feet, which the author referred to as "mouse-like appendages." What I fail to understand is how others who have no frame of reference are so comfortable mocking and denigrating those of us who have lost pregnancies for grieving however we see fit. If it makes you uncomfortable, then look away. That is your right as an American citizen, just as it is mine to grieve the loss of my first two children in any way that finally brings me peace and comfort.

So I would like to set the record straight. My husband and I are not objects of pity, nor do we need yours. We also do not need platitudes or empty condolences, words of encouragement or statements like "God's ways are not ours!" Frankly, the big guy and I are on the outs for the time being, and if his ways involve stealing away unborn babies, then the guy is a pretty large-scale douchecanoe that I'd rather not pray to anyways. We also don't need you to remind us that we can "try again," that we now have two (albeit tiny) "guardian angels looking out for us," or (and ESPECIALLY) "it was for the best." Really?! Best for whom?

What do we need? That's simple: a hand to hold when need be, a shoulder to cry on if available, and above all, the knowledge that you love and support us no matter what. That's all. We also want you to listen- really listen- when we want to talk about it. You get your children for a lifetime. Our first two were only with us for a very short time. As such, our desire to remember those children how we see fit should be honored and respected, not met with uncomfortable stares or attempts to quickly change the subject. If you truly love us, you will sit shiva and vigil alongside us while we try to piece together the maelstrom that was the last seven months of our lives.

Some may question my decision to share this in such a public forum. I choose to do so in a way to help others who may have experienced- or, God forbid, go on to experience- this type of loss, and who feel just as alone and ashamed of their loss as I once did about my losses. I want them to know that I am here, I am listening, and I understand. You are not alone.

Remembrance

How very softly you tiptoed into our world, almost silently, only a moment you stayed. But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our hearts. -- Dorothy Ferguson

They Say There is a Reason

They say there is a reason,
They say that time will heal,
But neither time nor reason,
Will change the way I feel,
For no-one knows the heartache,
That lies behind our smiles,
No-one knows how many times,
We have broken down and cried,
We want to tell you something,
So there won't be any doubt,
You're so wonderful to think of,
But so hard to be without.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Blessed sister, beautiful one
with broken wings.
Your journey is a difficult one
that no mother should have to endure.
Your path is steep, rocky and slippery
and your tender heart is in need of gentle healing.

Breathe deeply and know that you are loved.
You are not alone,
though at times, you will feel like a
desolate island of grief
untouchable
distant.
Close your eyes.
Seek the wisdom of women who have walked this well-worn path before you,
before,
and before,
and before you yourself were born.
These beautiful ones
with eyes like yours
have shared your pain, and
weathered the storms of loss.

You are not alone (breathe in)
You will go on (breathe out)
Your wings will mend (breathe in)
You are loved (breathe out)

~ Mary Burgess

Common Sense

When someone you know loses a baby

~ Do not judge our grief reactions. Each person is an individual and will have his/her own coping skills and life experience that they bring to the loss. Each of us will deal with this grief in our own ways.

~ Grief does not have a time frame, nor does it ever really end. It is important not to have expectations that we will ever be "finished" or "get over" the death of our children.

~ The "stages and phases" of grief that you may be familiar with (denial, anger, bargaining, etc) may not be clear or even seem to apply when a child has died. Grief doesn't go away, but it does change with time. The raw pain and heartache will ease, but the love for this baby will not ever end.

~ Grieving and mourning is about REMEMBERING and finding a place for our baby in our hearts and their lives. It is NOT about forgetting.

~ We are not contagious. Don't be afraid to talk to us.

~ Remember our babies. We haven't forgotten, and we don't want you to forget, either.

~ Ask me how I am doing and understand that sometimes I won't feel like talking about it.

~ We might cry when we talk about our babies. That's because we are sad and miss our babies. Not because you asked.

~ Ask to see the baby's pictures, footprints, handprints, or other mementos. It may make you uncomfortable, but it's important that we get to share these special, treasured items and that we get to "brag" about our babies.

~ Suggestions for what to say:
I don't know what to say.
I’m sorry this has happened.
I'm sad for you.
This is awful.
How are you? (And don't take "Fine" as an answer. And then really listen to the answer.)
I am here. I want to listen.
Tell me how I can help. (Then offer specific suggestions such as doing laundry, preparing meals, caring for other children or pets, running errands, etc.)
Tell me about . . . the delivery, the time with your baby, the funeral, what you miss the most

What NOT to Say

Some of these sentiments may be comforting to YOU or you think you would find them comforting if someone said them to you. But may parents report that these types of sentiments often do not provide comfort at this time.


You’re young, you can have other babies.
Age is irrelevant. We wanted THIS baby. Even if we do go on to have other children, this baby will always be loved and missed. Babies are not replaceable. We must mourn for this baby before we can consider having another.

You need closure.
You need to move on.
You need to put this out of your mind.
Don't dwell on this.
Try not to think about it.
Think of closure as an ending point, and then remember that grief after losing a baby doesn't really ever end. Sometimes people think that the purpose of mourning is to find closure, however, in the case of perinatal loss, there is no real end.

You can have closure after completing a task such as making funeral arrangements or obtaining information about what may have caused the loss, but you don't really get closure of the love you have or the hopes and dreams for this baby.

Some people say that closure comes when you accept that you have experienced a loss and that it signifies the beginning of grief, not the end.

"Closure" implies that there is an ending point. Grief softens and eases but doesn't really end. It evolves as life changes and moves forward. Parents mourn the loss of their baby, then they continue to revisit this loss as their lives unfold and they think about what would have been and what should have been.

Often when parents are seeking "closure," they are disappointed, frustrated, or confused when they find that the grief doesn't end and the pain softens but doesn't completely go away.

We all wish the pain could end, but it is usually more helpful to allow parents to talk about how they feel, to talk about their baby, and to grief freely and without judgment rather than to impose time limits or a plan to seek closure.


God must have needed another angel up in heaven.
You have an angel in heaven.
Your baby is in heaven and feels no pain.
Your baby is in a better place.
Many parents would rather have their babies with them, so even Heaven, a perfect place with no pain and suffering, may not seem comforting at this time. This may be comforting for some parents, but many are struggling with their feelings towards God right now.


This happened for the best.
This happened for a reason.
There is a lesson to be learned.
You will be a better person because of this.
There was probably something wrong with the baby.
It's nature's way of taking care of sick babies.
It's very hard to believe that there is a reason good enough for this to happen. Parents may go on to make meaning of the loss, but most would prefer to have their babies with them rather than "learn a lesson." Well-intended explanations do not ease the pain of the loss. It is hard to apply "reason" to such a tragedy. Knowing that something was wrong does NOT mean that parents love or miss their baby any less.


Better for this to happen now, before you knew the baby.
It's better that this happened early in pregnancy or before you brought the baby home.
It could be worse. You could have been full-term.
It could be worse. It could have happened at home a few weeks later.
It could be worse. You could have died, too.
It could be worse. At least you know you can get pregnant.
Many parents have known and loved their baby from the moment of conception (or even as they imagined having a baby throughout their lives). Hearing the heartbeat, seeing ultrasounds, or feeling the baby moving around creates memories early on in pregnancy. They may have been planning for this baby for years or may have only known about him/her for a short time, but they still love this child.

When you lose a child, you lose your future, your hopes and dreams, your plans. Parental love is NOT dependent on the length of the pregnancy! It's about the attachment and bonding the parents have with this baby.


Don't be sad.
Don't cry.
Keep busy.
Don't think about it.
Calling the baby a "fetus" or "it" rather than by the baby's name.
These comments minimize the loss and making light of this life-altering event. Please remember that a baby has died, hopes and dreams have been shattered, and this type of pain cannot be ignored or easily forgotten. Every baby should be treated with dignity and respect. Each baby is his/her own person. They are not replaceable if they die.


Why didn't you call your doctor sooner?
Maybe your doctor should have found the problem sooner.
My friend's doctor didn't . . .
My doctor did . . .
Couldn't anything be done to prevent this?
Couldn't anything be done to fix this?
Parents usually feel guilty or that they are responsible for the loss even though there was nothing they could have or should have done differently. These comments add to their guilt and can also cause unnecessary mistrust or suspicion of their doctor.

If parents are angry with their doctor or wish to choose another doctor, that is certainly an option. But, not all parents do. And, if parents wish to seek a second opinion or search for another doctor, these sentiments still do not provide support or encouragement.

It is common for parents to feel angry or disappointed with their doctor or the care they received. Sometimes those feelings are temporary. Sometimes they come early on the grief journey, and sometimes they come later. It is still up to the parents to decide if any action is necessary and when/if it should happen.

Dear BB,

We hardly knew one another, but I know this much: I owe you my eternal gratitude. Thank you for being a part of my life, even if it was for such a short amount of time. Those short few days were some of the happiest of my life. You've made me a better person. You've given me something that 28 years and the best advice that money can't by could never achieve: you have put me in touch with my humanity. When you left us, I thought my world was crumbling to dust. But in the ruins stood everyone I love the most, everyone who was more than willing to pick up the pieces and walk this journey with me, even if only for a moment. You've shown me the love that so many have for us, and for that I offer only my humble gratitude.

Whenever I close my eyes I will remember you. You will never be forgotten. Your life is forever marked on our hearts, and I thank you for that blessing, even if it was so fleeting.

I love you. Goodbye.

This is when I'll know I've made it

Hangin' by the pool with Frank and Yul

"This is blood for blood and by the gallon. These are the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days...and I'm ready for war."

"You know, if you live hard and play hard and you burn the candle at both ends, you pay the price for it. In this life, you can loose everything you love, everything that loves you. Now I don't hear as good as I used to and I forget stuff and I ain't as pretty as I used to be but Goddamn it, I'm still standing here...as times goes by, they say 'he's washed up,' 'he's finished,' 'he's a loser,' 'he's all through.' You know what? The only one that's going to tell me when I'm through doing my thing is you people here."

25 Random Facts About Moi

Sark, Guernsey

1. I am incredibly blessed to have found my husband, who is the most supportive and inspiring person I have ever met, and he is single-handedly responsible for my being here today.
2. I aspire to the Maritime life, the salt air, endless sea and sky; to own a tall ship and sail the seven seas would be my greatest desire. I once came close to crewing aboard a classic 19th century tall ship, but an ex-boyfriend put the kaibash on that pretty quick. I am in possession of an ancient Islander's soul, of this I am certain.
3. Tom and I are planning the one-month Camino de Santiago, walking the Pilgrim road to Santiago de Compostella in Galicia, Spain.
4. I have much to be grateful for in my life, but a pathological incapability to properly count my blessings.
5. My younger brother is my best friend and one of the rocks in my life.
6. I want to own a vineyard in Italy or the Languedoc-Roussillon région of France some day, but I don't want the imaginary Diane Lane in Under The Tuscan Sun-type BS; I actually want to learn the art of viticulture and oenology.
7. Some of you will probably know this...but I have completely disproportionately inappropriate reactions to events in my life that frustrate, anger, upset or sadden me.
8. Labyrinth, The Neverending Story and The Princess Bride are three of my all-time favourite films, ones I can watch over and over and never grow tired of.
9. I'm still adjusting to being referred to as a "Wife" or "Mrs.", as I certainly do not feel old enough to be considered either. Heck, I jumped on the Honeymoon bed of the Bridal Suite the morning of our wedding.
10. I'm afraid of children and I don't like to hold babies because I'm convinced I will drop them.
11. I'm working on my Masters to become a high school teacher.
12. My plans to become a teacher are designed to get me a step closer to what I really want to do in life.
13. My dream is to work for the Travel Channel, Discovery Networks or National Geographic some day.
14. I want to teach in an American school in Europe.
15. I want to permanently relocate to Europe.
16. I'd like to live for at least a year in the following locations: Rome, Los Angeles, Oslo, Phoenix AZ, Reykavik, Beirut, Fiji, Miami and Montreal.
17. I want to live out the last of my days and die in Westport, Ireland.
18. I am a grammar, spelling and punctuation Nazi and find it very difficult to stand idly by when these rules are blatantly violated.
19. I am simultaneously disgusted and amused by horror films, and it's one of my favourite genres.
20. My brain is broken.
21. Sark is my favourite place on Earth that I have never been, and I'd like to include it on #16.
22. Travel is my single greatest passion in life (obviously).
23. I'd like to become a yoga teacher some day.
24. If I could snap my fingers and reappear anywhere on Earth instantly, it would be India.
25. I pretty much know everything there is to know about Greek Mythology because I spent almost all of my time as a child alone and read voraciously.

Touche, My Good Man

"A mind of the caliber of mine cannot derive its nutriment from cows."

~George Bernard Shaw

Celebrities!

Joyous joy of joys, our wedding made the Grosse Pointe News! And not in a lame way, like the Wedding recaps ("The bride wore Vera Wang...the Mother of the Groom wore lavender..."); rather, we had an actual op-ed piece written about our wedding! I guess it helps that we're friends with a journalist... enjoy!

"Red Wings

When Thomas Sperti, a tall, somewhat shy young man, was running the camera department at the old Hallmark Card Shop in the Village, he was approached by a pretty blonde colleague — Jamie Flanagan — who wanted to know what he thought about the Red Wings.

It turned out they were both fans and Sperti wangled some excellent seats and took Flanagan to a game. The friendship blossomed and on Friday, June 6, the day the victorious Stanley Cup winning Red Wings were feted in a Detroit parade, the pair declared their love for each other in a lovely, traditional ceremony at St. Ambrose Church in the Park, conducted by the Rev. Tim Pelc.

Midway through the nuptials, Pelc paused and instructed best man, Dennis Pascoe, to retrieve a large box from among the pews.

Pelc, with a twinkle in his eye, presented the be-ribboned box to Tom and Jamie and instructed them to open it. Its contents? A large pair of red wings with straps so they could be worn. The congregation loved it. The red wings were prominently displayed at the wedding reception at the River Place in Detroit. However, the couple left the memento with Tom's parents, Sheila and Pat Sperti of the Farms, when they jetted off for a honeymoon in the Dominican Republic."

http://oped.grossepointenews.com/Articles-i-2008-06-19-222150.112112_Author_moves_from_chick_lit_to_thrillers.html

Why was no one thoughtful enough to pass along this gem before I entered into the Holy Sacrament of Marriage?

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE

Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Wisdom

"I beg you... to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language.
don't search for the answers,
which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live them.
and the point is to live everything.
live the questions now.
perhaps then,
someday far in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer."

- rainer maria rilke

Just Married!

Slowly, the pictures begin to be posted (albeit fuzzy)...but exciting nonetheless to see the very first shots of our wedding!

Kinda ethereal, eh?

The Tudors Series 2

I didn't want it to end! :.(

...but series 3 promises to be nothing short of thrilling/breathtaking/spectacular/(insert bombastic adjective here)! I await 2009 with baited breath...and we'll hopefully be Showtime subscribers ourselves by then!
So Anne's dead, and somehow, the series is so phenomenal that I went from simply despising the character of Anne Boleyn to feeling so much for her pathetic fall from grace, jailing and subsequent beheading. I didn't think it would happen, but I completely and totally felt for the poor thing as she thrashed about her regal bed, weeping uncontrollably and soaked in blood, desperately fighting nature and her own body in the throes of her final miscarriage, knowing full well that the loss of her pregnancy equaled the loss of her head. So, so sad. Being that this is a true story, it really is heart wrenching to think this slovenly heathen of a King was so mired in egoism and his own power that he disposed of women at his pleasure. My mother-in-law made an excellent point, that Anne Boleyn was a man trapped in a woman's body. She thirsted too much for power, something of a Medieval (and feminine) Icarus, and most likely never would have lost her head had she been born a man. What a sad, sad tale. Here's to Anne Boleyn, skillfully played by the (now) exquisite Natalie Dormer: you have indeed won my heart, Natalie. Here's to hoping I see you more on the big screen.
Likewise, the role of the sinister and conniving Thomas Boleyn, Anne and George's father and sniveling power-hungry snake who (in reality) sold his own children up the river to save his own wretched skin (only to die several years later, alone and penniless) was played with unbelievable dexterity and almost painful brilliance by the incredible Irish actor Nick Dunning. Of a face to which you are likely to comment, "Where have I seen him before?", I only realised today that he had a rather inconsequential role in the beautiful Jim Sheridan film In America. Dunning's Boleyn is the proverbial man you love to hate, an undeniably disgusting character whose quest for power and wealth is rivaled by none other than his daughter, the Queen of England.
It will be interesting to see where they take the series next. The Boleyns have fallen from power, all executed on trumped-up (and, historically believed to be completely false) charges or (in Thomas Boleyn's case) exiled from Court. Henry has already had his infamous jousting accident that left him with a foul and festering ulcer on his leg. Henry now needs to bloat up to 300+ lbs., marry Jane Seymour, Jane will deliver Edward VI and die soon thereafter, Henry will then in quick succession dispatch of Anne of Cleves and Catherine Howard, execute Thomas Cromwell, marry Catherine Parr, shift Mary I and Elizabeth I in and out of the line of sucession, and keel over at the ripe old age of 55. Royal intrigue at its finest!

eeeeeeeeeeeeeek!

Jamie and Tom's Checklist (Not you?) June 06, 2008 • DAYS TO GO: 22

TO-DOS ON LIST: 184 | COMPLETED TO-DOS: 132

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For some reason, my heart just dropped into my stomach when I realised that there are 21 short days left until our wedding. I am so insanely nervous I can barely concentrate. I have crazy butterflies that are making it hard to keep food down. I couldn't be more elated to be marrying the man of my dreams; that said, this is a really, really big party that we're planning, and the bigger it is, the more that can go wrong. I'm so petrified that I am forgetting some huge element of planning, but I keep checking and re-checking that horrid theknot.com checklist, and it seems more or less that things are on track. Besides, they include ridiculous items on the list, such gems as:

"Start looking into registering for gifts."
and
"Grooms: Start planning your groomsmen's attire: Tux or suit?"
and who could forget:

"Brides: practice walking in your wedding shoes. "

Really? Really? Who needs a list to tell them such things? It's rather upsetting that people who need such a list are considered mature enough to marry.

Crap! We still need to pick up our marriage certificate! Double-crap! We're in Wayne County, which means we have to endure the living nightmare/joke that is the Coleman A. Young Municipal Building...the dreaded City Hall...we're guaranteed to be stuck for the next 2 weeks in an eternal queue. We may just make it on time down the aisle, frantically clutching said certificate in our sweaty palms.

Oh my God that Eddie Money/Ronnie Spector song, "Take Me Home Tonight" just came on the t.v. I freaking love that song.

Stream of consciousness, much? It's probably the nerves.

I hope the Honeymoon will have the desired effect of mellowing me out following the stress that has been the past few months of planning/worrying, worrying/planning.

We finally booked our Honeymoon!

Spending 5 days in Paradise...

Punta Cana, Dominican Republic

:)

"Married in the month of roses- June,
Life will be one long honeymoon."

Guess we chose correctly.

"June's fine weather makes it the choice of discerning brides, but the reason for its good press in the world of lore has to do with who it's named for. Juno was the Roman goddess of marriage, so it only makes sense that the month named for her would be deemed propitious for all brides." -Snopes.com

Hail to thee our Alma Mater

I feel like rambling. I'm tired and worked late tonight. It probably did not help that I was sexually harassed by a Somerset janitor and forced to file a "police" (read: Somerset security) report. So I've had a long evening.

But I'm a tad perturbed, not by the almost-rape that occurred in a dark service elevator earlier this evening (or more appropriately, as it's already 12:36, last night); rather, I am bothered by the fact that I will not be attending my college graduation this upcoming weekend. Not that I ever had planned on it. I wasn't going to attend, as I felt that it wasn't really that important. I am keenly aware of my accomplishments, and so is my family. That being said, there is a part of me somewhere that feels like I should be attending, that I should recognize and acknowledge the huge accomplishment this truly is for me (it would take several days for me to describe the enormous hurdles I had to overcome in order to get here, to this place in life, as an alumnus). My older brother and parents were very insistent that I attend graduation, but neither my younger brother (who graduated the same semester as I did) nor myself felt like it mattered any.

Well, now I haven't the choice to make. Instead, it has automatically been made for me. My second and final bridal shower is this Saturday. So the option to attend is no longer there. And somehow that makes me long that much more for the chance to go. Because, really, I will never know what I am missing out on if I wasn't there to experience it. That's sort of always been my philosophy, the idea that if I fail to just try something, then I won't know whether it was meant for me or not.

Somehow this situation seems deeply poetic to me, this idea that I will miss out on a pivotal milestone celebration, college graduation, directly as the result of another pivotal milestone: a celebration linked to my impending wedding. What does it mean? Probably nothing. I have a propensity to look deeper into things, and try to find meaning where it doesn't otherwise exist. I suppose ultimately I just feel melancholic about the celebration. I know I would probably just hope for the day to end if I went to graduation; hell, I already have my degree- what do I need the pomp and circumstance for?

Oh well.

Help me decide what to do with the rest of my life

As of late I've wrestled extensively with what I'm meant to do with the rest of my life. Being in the unenvied position of the recent post-grad, I'm dealing with the ubiquitous quarter-life crisis. I have just had my tarot cards read, which did not necessarily shed any more light onto my quandaries (other than letting me know that the universe will begin to reveal my path over time, which I kind of always figured would happen). So it's come down to this: which path of the two that I am considering do I choose? As with all soul-searching philosophical queries I have endured, I've drafted up the ever-popular Pros and Cons list. Please feel free to read over my list, add suggestions where appropriate, and give me the advice I'm sure you, my seasoned readers, have perhaps yourselves oft experienced.

What to do with my life?

Broadcasting/Journalism/TV/Film Production (Alpha Pacific/UofW/UofA/LoyMary)

Pros

• Will get me faster to my ultimate goal in life, work w/the Travel Channel/Discovery Networks/BBC/Nat. Geo.
• Brings me to the sunny, beautiful West :), where I want to be more than anything right now
  
• More $$ ultimately (ostensibly)
• Closer to my ultimate dream in life
• Closer to what my background is in
• Something I am well versed in
• I know I would be good at this
• More glamorous job in the long run
• Will get us the fuck out of Michigan

Cons

• Will have to wait until at least Fall 2009 or later to even begin school, meaning I’m stuck in Michigan for more time anyways
  
• Will take Tom and I away from Michigan and our friends/family
• Will ultimately have to put other things on hold after school to pursue career in earnest (kids, Tom’s degree, Travel Channel Academy, etc.), potentially putting me well into my thirties before I can consider these other life options
  
• Tom will not necessarily have a job waiting for him where we go
• Will mean we may have to move again shortly after I graduate so Tom can begin school, possibly hampering career options
  
• Still a means to an end; ultimately do not want to be a broadcaster or journalist; rather would assist in moving towards ultimate goal of Travel Host
• Journalism work will be hard-won- must work long, hard hours, earn my place, work holidays, nights, weekends (LIVE TO WORK)
• Will take me away from Tom, family, friends, kids, etc. occasionally, and time at work will eat up leisure/family time
• Is this ultimately a pipe dream? Is it realistic?
• Will the degree really advance my career goals?
• Is this degree superfluous?
• Must spend more $$ and go further into debt
• Less guaranteed and less secure than other career options
• Reliant on my looks?

Secondary Education Masters (WSU, UofA)

Pros

• Love of teaching
• Very rewarding vocation, enriching kids' lives, helping the future, etc.
  
• Unbeatable vacation time (all holidays, all summer)
• Unbeatable weekday hours (7 or 8 a.m.-4 or 5 p.m., more or less guaranteed); no weekends EVER!!!
• WORK TO LIVE (personal philosophy)
  
• When we have kids, will keep same schedule and can be deeply involved in their lives
• Potential to bring us back to Europe and further afield with international teaching opportunities (big plus)
• Can live more transient, travel and leisure-centered lifestyle
• Means to an end; does not necessarily bar me from pursuing other opportunities, either simultaneously, or upon sabbaticals
• Work is more or less guaranteed and more secure than other options (there will always be teaching opportunities)
• Money will be pretty good with Masters preparation
• WSU program is 2-in-1: Masters degree and certification, putting me into a higher pay scale automatically
• Benefits, paid vacation, health insurance, 401-K, retirement; all those good and necessary things
• Will keep us in Michigan for a bit longer so Tom can gain extra experience at his job, possibly advancing further and making good $$
• Michigan teaching cert. reciprocal with many other U.S. states, making it very easy to pick up and move where necessary
• I can always return to teaching if other things don’t pan out, and I know I can enjoy it
• Can begin taking deficient classes at Wayne almost immediately

Cons

• Work does not necessarily end with school bell: lesson planning, grading, reading papers, extracurricular work, PTA, etc.
• Am I meant to become a teacher?
• Group work experience may be difficult to obtain, possibly extending the time it takes to be accepted into College of Ed
• A LOT of deficient classes that must be taken Post-Bac before I can be accepted into College of Ed
• More $$ and more debt
• Must stay in Michigan for at least another 2 ½-3 years (BIG negative)

Come on, universe! Hurry up and tell me what I'm meant to do with my life!

*Sigh of Relief*

Yes. We did it. We mailed our invitations yesterday. Well, about 96% of them. We just have a couple of stragglers left, addresses we've yet to confirm and whatnot.

FINALLY!!

Check 'em out:


Somehow this makes it that much more real! There's no going back, now!

;p

On a semi-related note, here's a piccie of me at my very first bridal shower (that I attended as the guest of honour) this past weekend:Oh, and here's a random piccie of darling Kitty Head Face, enjoying some tasty yoghurt (which she loves):

LOLz Pwned!!1! I can has Boca Burger?

see more crazy cat pics